Well, the self-analysis continues to reveal more secrets. I'm now able to accurately describe the very core of what drives my perfectionism. For some reason (yet to be discovered), I derive great joy from organizing chaos. And it's not that I have to have everything all in it's perfect order, but instead, I relish the opportunities and challenges that arise every time I'm faced with something that doesn't fit my scheme. I kept starting and re-starting new games of Civilization or SimCity, and my goal was never to see the actual game to completion, but instead, to try to achieve the most balanced cities and efficient use of the fractal terrain. Weird. I also love categorizing my songs on iTunes. Man, this is even why I kept re-recording drums for my album - I wanted every single note to have some sort of precedent or counterpart in another song.
Organizing every last set of data on College Football teams was part of this obsession as well. Of course, it ended up unraveling the illusion of the fairness of the sport. But is that such a bad thing? Probably not.
I've also been very eagerly working out the arrangements to paint the planets on the ceiling of my boy's room. The diameters and orbits of the four inner planets are proportional to each other, as are the outer planets. But the scales between the two sets are different (for practicality reasons). Also, each planet will be placed in its location along its orbit for February 2010. The amount of trigonometry involved to achieve this was surprisingly fun for me, and I found myself laying awake, running all the calculations in my head. (I had memorized roughly the tangents of 15 and 30 degrees, as well as the dimensions of the room, and the planets' positions.) 1 2 3 5 15 30 60 90 Those are the approximate intervals of the planets' orbits.
So, what does this mean? Well, nothing. Just another puzzle piece. I am definitely figuring myself out, even if I'm not all the way there yet. One thing that does make me sad though is the realization that this sort of fun is what has usually driven me to find "alone time." As much as I love my friends and family, I find myself striving to make time to be alone. And with that time, I rarely "relax" in the common use of the term. It's the times when I really get to put my brain to the test.
Whoa... I hadn't realized that until I'd written it. That's a MAJOR motivating factor for me. If I don't feel as though my intellectual capacity is being put to the test, I feel bored, restless, even agitated. Oh strange. This is why I can't stand to sit through a movie or show or even football game without having something else going. I feel like it's a monumental waste of my time.
Oh, this idea definitely has ramifications.
Ah, I can't type as fast as I can think! I just thought that one of the challenges I've enjoyed lately is teaching myself to understand the properties and applications of electricity. Of course, as I learned, I was quick to re-organize this information into a form that was easy for me to understand and to explain to others. I'm seeing a couple of my tendencies showing here: my need to challenge myself, my love of organizing information out of chaos, my desire to teach, and my attempt to understand all that is understandable.
Well, I'll be damned. It is all connected, isn't it? Like the crystal lattice of a diamond.
