How the hell is Radio Shack still in business? If I have to explain to the employee of a electronics supplies store what a 15-pin male-to-female SVGA cable looks like, or what a TRS quarter inch / Stereo RCA adapter does, I really don't feel as though I'm getting top-notch service. It doesn't matter anyway, because they don't have them there. I don't know what in the hell they do have, other than useless random parts I have to take home and solder just to get them to do what I need. And nobody is ever in the store except for three employees, each asking me if I want a free cell phone with my purchase.
No. I don't want a cell phone. I see people driving in to work at eight in the morning, talking on their phones (and tailgating me). Who the hell are they talking to that early in the morning? "What did you do today?" "Well, I brushed my teeth with that new Emeril toothpaste..." I don't have a damn thing to say to anyone before three frappochinos (and I know that spelling is incorrect. It's a mark of my shame for being addicted to a product of a soul sucking corporation. Who needs three goddamn Starbucks in the same mall?!). Nowadays I'm at home or work all the time. And what if I'm out and need to contact somebody? Payphones.
I just wasn't made for these times. Everything was fine when it was analog. I would prefer any machine or device that the troubleshooting instructions read: "Give it a good whack. If that doesn't work, shake it around a bit." Who needs all this electronic crap? At the transistor hut today they had a book-sized portable dvd player. There it is. Why should anyone read a book ever again? At the grocery store, they have razors that require batteries for god knows what kind of evil purpose. On the internet, they have countless websites where people rant on and on about senseless bullshit...
Oh.
Well, I'm going to go read a book and listen to vinyl. Call me when the scientists stopped researching laser-guided bedets and actually figured out how to create a wormhole into another dimension.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Paul loves John.
Paul McCartney is a badass. I never realized it before, but his remixing of the "Let It Be" album into "Let It Be... Naked" wasn't just some sort of ego trip on his part (as Ringo would have you believe) but instead - perhaps - a way of making peace with John Lennon's ghost. I happened to be listening to the "Naked" version of "Across the Universe" and I was reminded of something John said in his last interview before his death. Talking to Playboy in 1980 John said: "The Beatles didn't make a good record of it. ...The guitars are out of tune and I'm singing out of tune 'cos I'm psychologically destroyed and nobody's supporting me or helping me with it and the song was never done properly." If you listen to the "Wildlife" version of it, it's covered with out of tune wah-wah guitars and girl singers. The "Let It Be" version was "puked on" by Phil Spector and sounds like shit. But the "Naked" version is just John and his acoustic guitar, all the phasing and tremolo washed away, with only faint hints of tambura and the guitars and strings far off in the distance. It's as if Paul were trying to undo all the "sabotage" John said he did to it.
Of course, Paul was also trying to undo the sabotage Phil Spector did to the whole album as well. Since "Let It Be" was originally recorded with the notion of recording all the songs with no overdubs at all, it's pathetically ironic that Spector produced the album with his trademark "wall of sound," ladling strings and brass and special effects onto almost every track. A few years ago, Spector was receiving a lifetime achievement award and Paul walked out on the ceremony, mentioning to journalists: "He fucked up 'Let It Be' and I'm not a man who forgets." Also, a precedent was set by George Harrison rereleasing "All Things Must Pass" in a de-Spectorized version a year or two before. So Paul removed all the crap, all the effects (even reverb is used very sparingly) and changed the song lineup, removing "Maggie Mae" and "Dig It."
But the most revealing aspect of the entire album is his remixing of "The Long And Winding Road." Stripped of the gaudy orchestration, the track reveals John playing bass - very poorly. Ian MacDonald lists the mistakes in his footnote in Revolution In The Head: "Recurring wrote notes at 0:28, 2:10 and 3:07; mis-strikes at 2:39 and 2:52; drop-outs at 2:59 and 3:14; a fumble at 0:19; a vague glissando at 1:03; a missed final push at 3:26." If John truly felt that Paul "subconsciously tried to destroy songs," what was John doing here? Still, on "Naked," Paul lovingly removes all the gunk covering "Across The Universe," yet brings John's bass up in the mix on "The Long And Winding Road." Taken in this context, it sure seems to me that Paul still has a great amount of love and respect for his former partner. And for that, I think he's a badass.
Of course, Paul was also trying to undo the sabotage Phil Spector did to the whole album as well. Since "Let It Be" was originally recorded with the notion of recording all the songs with no overdubs at all, it's pathetically ironic that Spector produced the album with his trademark "wall of sound," ladling strings and brass and special effects onto almost every track. A few years ago, Spector was receiving a lifetime achievement award and Paul walked out on the ceremony, mentioning to journalists: "He fucked up 'Let It Be' and I'm not a man who forgets." Also, a precedent was set by George Harrison rereleasing "All Things Must Pass" in a de-Spectorized version a year or two before. So Paul removed all the crap, all the effects (even reverb is used very sparingly) and changed the song lineup, removing "Maggie Mae" and "Dig It."
But the most revealing aspect of the entire album is his remixing of "The Long And Winding Road." Stripped of the gaudy orchestration, the track reveals John playing bass - very poorly. Ian MacDonald lists the mistakes in his footnote in Revolution In The Head: "Recurring wrote notes at 0:28, 2:10 and 3:07; mis-strikes at 2:39 and 2:52; drop-outs at 2:59 and 3:14; a fumble at 0:19; a vague glissando at 1:03; a missed final push at 3:26." If John truly felt that Paul "subconsciously tried to destroy songs," what was John doing here? Still, on "Naked," Paul lovingly removes all the gunk covering "Across The Universe," yet brings John's bass up in the mix on "The Long And Winding Road." Taken in this context, it sure seems to me that Paul still has a great amount of love and respect for his former partner. And for that, I think he's a badass.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
My Name Is Hard To Google!
Polar bears are proof that god exists, because nothing so incredibly badass could have evolved randomly without some kind of master plan. Yeh, that cute little cuddly white bear will actually EAT YOUR FACE OFF!!! That's right. Polar bears will eat anything. And they're not even afraid! Scott said he saw a video of a couple polar bears attacking a beached killer whale. Now, listen up, I realize that it is probably logistically easy to attack a beached whale. But LARGE SEA CREATURES ARE TERRIFYING IN ANY ENVIRONMENT!!! And don't you forget it!
When you were a kid, did you see that commercial for those wildlife videos where they had a killer whale like, totally destroying some poor sea lion on the coast? I did. Killer whales are scary mothers. If I were a polar bear, I wouldn't attack one of those things, even if it was beached. Even if it was helplessly floating in the sky like some directionless zeppelin, and I were in a Sopwith Camel with carbide-tipped rocket-propelled harpoons, I would probably steer clear of that behemoth!
At Shedd's Aquarium in Chicago, they have a large taxidermologized killer squid mounted on the ceiling. Just the memory of that evil evil monster will cause me to shudder! It probably ate TWO captain Nemos before they wrangled that savage beast!
Aah! I HATE SEA CREATURES!!!
Except for the peaceful sea dragon. Sea dragons are all right.
Free Willy scares me. Star Trek IV scares me. Finding Nemo scares me. That beach scene in The Craft scares me. And pictures of Portugese Man-O-Wars scare the living crap out of me. I saw a dolphin in Puget Sound once. It didn't scare me. But the state fish of Hawaii, the Humuhumunukunukuapua'a, that kind of scared me. That stupid algae-sucker fish in my sister's aquarium scared me.
When you were a kid, did you see that commercial for those wildlife videos where they had a killer whale like, totally destroying some poor sea lion on the coast? I did. Killer whales are scary mothers. If I were a polar bear, I wouldn't attack one of those things, even if it was beached. Even if it was helplessly floating in the sky like some directionless zeppelin, and I were in a Sopwith Camel with carbide-tipped rocket-propelled harpoons, I would probably steer clear of that behemoth!
At Shedd's Aquarium in Chicago, they have a large taxidermologized killer squid mounted on the ceiling. Just the memory of that evil evil monster will cause me to shudder! It probably ate TWO captain Nemos before they wrangled that savage beast!
Aah! I HATE SEA CREATURES!!!
Except for the peaceful sea dragon. Sea dragons are all right.
Free Willy scares me. Star Trek IV scares me. Finding Nemo scares me. That beach scene in The Craft scares me. And pictures of Portugese Man-O-Wars scare the living crap out of me. I saw a dolphin in Puget Sound once. It didn't scare me. But the state fish of Hawaii, the Humuhumunukunukuapua'a, that kind of scared me. That stupid algae-sucker fish in my sister's aquarium scared me.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Trapped by the Mormons!
To the missionaries: I've lived in Utah all my life. By now, I probably know as much about your church as you do. I'm not interested.
To the mercenaries: No, I will not do your killing for you. I don't care about the money. I told you... I'm "retired."
Meow
So, Smith's says they've got some sweet onions from Georgia that are ultra-rare. I hope they mean the former Soviet Republic, but they probably just mean the State. Anyways, if I'm lucky enough to be one of the chosen few recipients of these smelly treasures, I will saute it and let you know how delectable it was. And you know what else? We live in America, and you can get roasted duck in other countries. Actually, some people are fascinated by the fact that Egyptians were beer-sluts. I'm more fascinated by the fact that there is a heiroglyph for that. But I digress. In truth, I wish that kablingo was a word. But it's not. Instead we have stupid words like multilateralism and deprioritize and kiosk.
Beer-slats? What the hell is a beer-slat? That's what the spell checker wants me to write. That's why I don't use those damn things. They're stuupid.
To the mercenaries: No, I will not do your killing for you. I don't care about the money. I told you... I'm "retired."
Meow
So, Smith's says they've got some sweet onions from Georgia that are ultra-rare. I hope they mean the former Soviet Republic, but they probably just mean the State. Anyways, if I'm lucky enough to be one of the chosen few recipients of these smelly treasures, I will saute it and let you know how delectable it was. And you know what else? We live in America, and you can get roasted duck in other countries. Actually, some people are fascinated by the fact that Egyptians were beer-sluts. I'm more fascinated by the fact that there is a heiroglyph for that. But I digress. In truth, I wish that kablingo was a word. But it's not. Instead we have stupid words like multilateralism and deprioritize and kiosk.
Beer-slats? What the hell is a beer-slat? That's what the spell checker wants me to write. That's why I don't use those damn things. They're stuupid.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Pope Lando II
My website says: "Congratulations" to my sister, who graduated from the University of Utah.
::Regarding the new pope:: Benedict XVI sucks. He should have gone way back to good ol' 913 and named himself after the one and only Pope Lando. Or Pope Zephyrinus II would be good too.
::Regarding the new food pyramid:: Mine goes like this, from left to right: Coronas, limes, Reece's peanut butter cups, Lil' Smokies, and soy sauce.
::Regarding mother's day:: A very happy one to my beautiful wife, Emily.
::Regarding Civilization:: Anybody who refers to that "In the beginning.." thing as a poem is a tool.
::Regarding the new pope:: Benedict XVI sucks. He should have gone way back to good ol' 913 and named himself after the one and only Pope Lando. Or Pope Zephyrinus II would be good too.
::Regarding the new food pyramid:: Mine goes like this, from left to right: Coronas, limes, Reece's peanut butter cups, Lil' Smokies, and soy sauce.
::Regarding mother's day:: A very happy one to my beautiful wife, Emily.
::Regarding Civilization:: Anybody who refers to that "In the beginning.." thing as a poem is a tool.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
The Smell of Burning Eyes!
Remember that scene in Fire In The Sky where the aliens tie the guy down to the table, then a machine pries his eyelids open and they stick a needle in his pupil? Well, turns out they were perfoming LASIK on him. I capitalized LASIK 'cos it's an acronym for Laser ASsisted In-situ Keratomileusis. Anyways, they used some tongs to hold my eyelids open, then a little device sliced off the front of my eye. Then a laser burned away some flesh. It remeasures where it's supposed to be 1,000 times a second. All I saw was a blurry red light. Emily was watching and said that smoke was billowing up from my face. It was so incredibly badass. I kept imagining some kind of comic book mishap where a power surge causes the laser to overload, and then I end up with x-ray vision or something. Of course, as comic books go, I would be cast out from society, yet ironically use my super power to save it. But alas, no. Everything went precisely as planned. So now I am typing, unable to see the computer screen (the vision needs a few hours to clear up). Please forgive any typographical errors. And... just in case I do end up with x-ray vision... maybe you should all wear lead underwear for the next couple days.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Furthermore!
Furthermore, Luke was supposedly raised on a quiet backwater planet (whatever the hell backwater means), he even went so far to say, "If there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from." I assume that to be figurative. But Episode I would have you think that Tatooine is a virtual Coruscant, only sandier. Whatever.
Furthermore, I am tearing out the floor tiling in the bathroom too. I've noticed that on the spectrum of sparks, those flying off this tile are more red in color, and less flashy. My next step in this experiment - get a bigger hammer. Yeh!
Furthermore, I am still working on reviving the old save yerself, as you can see. I am going through each old post, editing slightly for out-of-date content (like links and stuff), and then inserting into the site, using the original date and time for the post. I probably have roughly over a hundred more posts to go, so this will take a while!
Furthermore, I am tearing out the floor tiling in the bathroom too. I've noticed that on the spectrum of sparks, those flying off this tile are more red in color, and less flashy. My next step in this experiment - get a bigger hammer. Yeh!
Furthermore, I am still working on reviving the old save yerself, as you can see. I am going through each old post, editing slightly for out-of-date content (like links and stuff), and then inserting into the site, using the original date and time for the post. I probably have roughly over a hundred more posts to go, so this will take a while!
Thursday, April 21, 2005
This Obi-Wan Kenobi jibberish!
If you are trying to hide an evil jedi's twin children from him, there may be more prudent ways. Setting one up as the princess of an important planet isn't the best idea. While the royal family's undoubted ability to defend itself (except, perhaps, from superlasers) is a plus, the high profile is a huge liability. But placing the son in the care of his half-uncle on the same planet the father grew up on, and even keeping his last name, is probably a foolish move.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Golden Sparks of Justice!
Holy crap. Today I found perhaps the greatest pastime ever. Taking a hammer and destroying a tiled shower. Some water has gotten under the old tile, so it was time to go. And so that meant the violent destruction of the tile and drywall. I am not kidding you: sparks were flying off the hammer as I rained down mighty blows upon the ceramic tile. Holy god it was awesome.
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