Neuro-Trippin'

So, today was my first encounter with an ADD drug. I know it's the popular thing to have ADD, and I hate doing anything popular. But then, you look at my academic career, and it makes sense. I have a passion for learning, yet I was hardly able to graduate high school, and seven tries at college hardly resulted in any completed courses. I'm a failure at the one thing I've always wanted to excel at.

I don't even know what led me to discuss it with my doctor, but when I did, I unexpectedly broke out in tears. It was embarrassing, but I wept uncontrollably as I told her how disappointed I am with myself and how I feel like I had such potential, but was unable to realize it.

So that led me here. I tried my first pill this morning. This was supposed to be slow acting stuff; a couple days to build up before you felt anything. Try a couple hours.

I can't help but think of Fear and Loathing where Hunter describes mescaline taking effect - the first hour was all waiting... then ZANG!

Suddenly I was talking a mile a minute, re-organizing a cluttered mess of used glasses frames, and going above and beyond to help each patient who came in the door. There was nothing I couldn't do, and couldn't do quickly. I felt so energetic, I could take on the world. I was eager to help some of our most troublesome patients. I answered the phones on the first ring and jumped to attention when the front door opened. And when there were no patients I paced back and forth, looking for something else to do.

The whole day went by in a flash. I skipped breakfast. I skipped coffee. I wasn't even hungry for lunch, but I tried to make myself eat. Nope, not hungry. I had about five bites of chicken, then right back to work. My mouth was dry and my head was spinning but it felt so good to have such a rush of energy. Time just raced by, and before I knew it, 5:00 rolled around. But I stayed behind to finish some paperwork, and a patient came in about 5:30 and I happily stayed late to fit her glasses.

I should have been on the ground, writing in starving agony. My stomach has not tolerated hunger well lately. But I was great! I got home, got dressed for the softball game, and left again. No time for the dinner Emily cooked. I wasn't hungry anyways.

At the game, I started getting the numbness in my hands that I've gotten at the last couple big important games. Last week I couldn't complete the game, my hands had gotten so bad. But tonight I just decided to tough through it, and sure enough the feeling faded away.

I stayed late to talk to my dad and uncle and cousin, then ran an errand to Target to get some printer ink. I got back home about 9:20, still nothing in my stomach. Still not hungry.

I made myself eat as much of a baked potato as I could, but it was a struggle. My body didn't want it. I tried some yogurt later, but it was a force-feed. It's now 11:13 and I've been typing madly in the dark.

I'll give this one more try, maybe two. But it's kinda scary it has taken such a hold of me. The positive effects are certainly nice, but maybe this it too much.

Happy Thought For The Day!

You know how when a new CEO takes over a failing business, tries to make it more "profitable?" And then he restructures the company, pulls all the money upward, and squeezes every last dollar out of the business, which the shareholders walk away with as the company goes bankrupt and the employees lose their 401ks?

I REALLY hope that that's not what our government's doing to us right now, because boy does it look like it.

Hello There

Ok, so this is my first post since learning I have readers. Awkward. I'm going to just pretend you're not there.

So, you know when you're driving really fast and then slam on the brakes, you feel as though you're being pulled backward? That's how Emily and Maddy and I feel today. We have been doing so much stuff in so little time - we've been to Disneyland and Seattle in three weeks, as well as the Hogle Zoo and the new Waterpark and the 4th of July Parade a host of other things, all while excitedly anticipating our pregnancy, and I've been building the deck and recording my album, all in just over a month total. Today we're all sitting in different rooms, laying down, watching different tvs. We're forcing ourselves to slow down. And it's making us all feel weird.

2009 will be a memorable year, I hope. I can't really discern the differences between 2006, 2007, 0r 2008 in my memory. I really think that not moving locations has made it difficult for my mind to attach dates to memories. I think that remembering that Italy, the conception of our next child, the deck, kindergarten, and the album all came in 2009 will help to make this a standout year. I've even made a real effort to only listen to albums that have been released this year, in hopes that I can find something that can act as a mile-post in my memory. I hope so. If not, then what? We'll have to move, I guess.

Its weird, but I think I'm beginning to feel the undertow of self-effacing parenthood. That my life is no longer about me, it's only about my child. It actually comes as a great relief to learn that acquaintances think of me as a nerd. Because that means that there is still enough quirky personality left in me to shine through. I was starting to worry I was becoming bland.

This seems like it's all I think about lately. How odd.

P.S. I don't think I stressed over a single thing while in Seattle. The flight, the car rental, driving around town (even getting lost), making plans, changing plans, packing the most amount of activity into every day... I should have been a wreck. But I wasn't. I don't know what that's all about.

P.P.S. I'm kinda jealous of singers who go crazy with their vocals. Any time I try to sing cool or breathy or hoarse, it seems to me like I'm just faking it and I'm too honest to actually sing like anything other than little old me.

The Free Market

A big problem for me lately is the division between what is ethical and what is profitable. I feel almost like I expect those in the situation to make the moral choice, even if it means less money. But they never do.

In defense of greed over integrity, I've heard the free market get blamed. The power lies with the people, right? Then why do people chose to support companies that are, in fact, hurting them by means of pollution or outsourcing or other similar means?

There's a distinction between Democracy and mob rule. Hammurabi's code of laws was established "so that the strong should not harm the weak." Or, Larry Flynt once said something to the effect that you must have minority protection in a majority rule state, "because you can't have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for dinner."

So, should the free market be that free? Even if we're chosing inconsequential coverage of Michael Jackson's death over potentially life-saving coverage of the revolt in Iran?

I don't have an answer yet, anyway. This requires more thinking.