My Name Is Hard To Google!

Polar bears are proof that god exists, because nothing so incredibly badass could have evolved randomly without some kind of master plan. Yeh, that cute little cuddly white bear will actually EAT YOUR FACE OFF!!! That's right. Polar bears will eat anything. And they're not even afraid! Scott said he saw a video of a couple polar bears attacking a beached killer whale. Now, listen up, I realize that it is probably logistically easy to attack a beached whale. But LARGE SEA CREATURES ARE TERRIFYING IN ANY ENVIRONMENT!!! And don't you forget it!

When you were a kid, did you see that commercial for those wildlife videos where they had a killer whale like, totally destroying some poor sea lion on the coast? I did. Killer whales are scary mothers. If I were a polar bear, I wouldn't attack one of those things, even if it was beached. Even if it was helplessly floating in the sky like some directionless zeppelin, and I were in a Sopwith Camel with carbide-tipped rocket-propelled harpoons, I would probably steer clear of that behemoth!

At Shedd's Aquarium in Chicago, they have a large taxidermologized killer squid mounted on the ceiling. Just the memory of that evil evil monster will cause me to shudder! It probably ate TWO captain Nemos before they wrangled that savage beast!

Aah! I HATE SEA CREATURES!!!

Except for the peaceful sea dragon. Sea dragons are all right.

Free Willy scares me. Star Trek IV scares me. Finding Nemo scares me. That beach scene in The Craft scares me. And pictures of Portugese Man-O-Wars scare the living crap out of me. I saw a dolphin in Puget Sound once. It didn't scare me. But the state fish of Hawaii, the Humuhumunukunukuapua'a, that kind of scared me. That stupid algae-sucker fish in my sister's aquarium scared me.

Gimme Fiction!

I just got Spoon's new album today. It makes me want to go on an adventure.

Trapped by the Mormons!

To the missionaries: I've lived in Utah all my life. By now, I probably know as much about your church as you do. I'm not interested.

To the mercenaries: No, I will not do your killing for you. I don't care about the money. I told you... I'm "retired."

Meow

So, Smith's says they've got some sweet onions from Georgia that are ultra-rare. I hope they mean the former Soviet Republic, but they probably just mean the State. Anyways, if I'm lucky enough to be one of the chosen few recipients of these smelly treasures, I will saute it and let you know how delectable it was. And you know what else? We live in America, and you can get roasted duck in other countries. Actually, some people are fascinated by the fact that Egyptians were beer-sluts. I'm more fascinated by the fact that there is a heiroglyph for that. But I digress. In truth, I wish that kablingo was a word. But it's not. Instead we have stupid words like multilateralism and deprioritize and kiosk.

Beer-slats? What the hell is a beer-slat? That's what the spell checker wants me to write. That's why I don't use those damn things. They're stuupid.

Pope Lando II

My website says: "Congratulations" to my sister, who graduated from the University of Utah.

::Regarding the new pope:: Benedict XVI sucks. He should have gone way back to good ol' 913 and named himself after the one and only Pope Lando. Or Pope Zephyrinus II would be good too.

::Regarding the new food pyramid:: Mine goes like this, from left to right: Coronas, limes, Reece's peanut butter cups, Lil' Smokies, and soy sauce.

::Regarding mother's day:: A very happy one to my beautiful wife, Emily.

::Regarding Civilization:: Anybody who refers to that "In the beginning.." thing as a poem is a tool.