"What do you want?!"

LaJean! You ruined our moment of silence for science! Now we are going to have to slap you twice across the mouth and put the muzzle on you.

The Christopher Bogus Chronicles, Vol. 23 #20

File under: Depositions - I missed class, but made it to school to eat lunch with Felix, Alysa, Anne, Holly, Jenna, and Reed. Then I worked at ACLU for a few hours, but my present pharmeceutical condition prevented me from working at SEV. I played Vice City with Jenna, Reed, and Scott this evening.

File under: Correspondence - Called Emily, no answer. 7.15p

File under: Research - "Followers of voodoo, called voodooists, believe the world is filled with demons, gods, and spirits of the dead. One of the most dreaded is Baron Samedi, also called Gede Nimbo, the ruler of graveyard spirits. He wears a black suit and bowler hat." -World Book Encyclopedia

File under: Pleadings - BOGUS: If there is a God, do you think he's upset with us putting whole chickens in tin cans?

File under: Miscellaneous - Reed found a secret microtape recorder, gave it to me. Scott and I smoked cigars.

Fuck you, I don't know you!

When I was talking to Scott the other night, we talked about how inefficient solar and wind power is, and how an unwindy or unsunny day can knock out power. But then we realized, Wait A Minute! These people know what they're doing! They've come up with contigency plans!!! It's not like they're all sitting around saying "Wind Power! Wind Power! Wind Power!" and then somebody comes along and goes "What about an unwindy day?" And they go "Oh, yeah, you got us there. Hadn't thought of that." Fuck no! Of course they've thought about that! Of course they've planned for that! Jesus fuck! What the hell do you think?! I haven't the slightest clue about solarvoltaics, and I can at least see that you've got to store it somehow. Fuck!


"Are you awakened by strange noises in the middle of the night? Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic? Have you or any of your family members ever seen a spook, spectre, or ghost? If the answer's yes then don't wait another minute and call the professionals. GHOSTBUSTERS! Our trained staff is on call twenty-four hours a day to handle all your paranormal elimination needs. WE'RE READY TO BELIEVE YOU!"

I don't get it.

My new Smith's is coming in October. Pardon, my NEW Smith's.

I can smoke by the mormo temple now. Thank you god. I can sunbathe there too. Having won the battle, it seems boring now. Let them have it. It was the fighting that was fun. Restrict us again and let us complain.

I can contact my School Board Representative. Karen Derrick. I wonder if she can give the teachers a raise. I wonder. Stevie Wonder was blind...

$14.99 Daily Seafood Dinner Specials! Only at [omitted] I wonder how much their Crack-smoker special is? Fuck them

Oh, I can build a better school board. Doug Nelson for Board of Education. ...but what does Karen Derrick think of this? I should contact her.

Why do the words "mausoleum" and "holocaust" seem so similar to me? Maybe the two brain cells holding those words are touching each other. At any rate, it gives a whole new meaning to Salt Lake Mausoleum. Let's put it on Main Street.

Squashworks.

There still isn't a scottsucks.com When are those webpeople going to get their shit together

There is something ticking in my computer! Maybe it's a bomb! Maybe that terrorist put it there! No, what is this ticking?! Maybe the FBI is spying on me! Hey what's all this plastic explosive and a gold watch about? Maybe I should cut the red wire. Which one's red? Oh no!!! Not that one!!! AAAHHH!!!

...but he could see things other people couldn't see.

Remember not to drink and blog, you could break something.

Semac! Conachre! Get in my office!!! The tangents. Or maybe, the tangence? Is that a word? Am I hungry? Yes, but the canopener is missing, so I can't get my chili. Perhaps early man would have devised some crude, rudimentary lathe to get into the sealed can of Nalley's Original Chili Con Carne With Beans. And why do they say "with meat" in spanish but "with beans" in english?

"post to save yerself." if only it were that easy. but no friends, i'm here to tell you that it isn't. indeed, i posted. i wasn't saved. it doesn't work. don't do it. and that, as they say, the penetrant man shall pass. i miss you Tony.

Rememeber to drink and screw, you could break something. (like the sound barrier)

What are you talking about?

Hello folks.
And let me tell you something else.
Bogus and Felix are hard at work on this page daily.
Yes.
But we were distracted by a snail smoking a cigarette before his timely death.
His fucking feelers were going all sorts of crazy, man.
It was so fucked up!
Holy god.
We sent him to Nirvana. Not the band. Not the afterlife.
But something else entirely.
If you would like to experience it, you will have to get thrown at the cinderblock wall on the side of some kind of freaky store/residence thing behind my house that always has its light on at night and some lady with big black hair lives there.
Would you like to?
I could look into it.
Delete delete delete.
Oh fuck, Felix, that is the dumbest thing you've ever said.
But not really. You are cool.

Doves and pidgeons are the same bird.
Pidgeons and crows are not.
Rabbits get chased by cats and curious young Alices.
Fun.
So.
Don't even try to understand.
No, do try.
I dare you.
I pose a real riddle to you. A conundrum, if you will?
Donde estan mis pantelones? En mi coche, con mi tequila.
La chat est sur la table.
Regamus. Pimpissimi omnium pimporum sumus.
This is the point where we say 'O
No! We run the risk of being
found out!"
(I meant to do that (that as in the quote or that as in the whole story. (We'll tell you about the story later. (I know you are the only one reading this. (Big Spider. (took 'im out! BLOGGER!)

That ends all of them.
No.
FREAKY FREAKY THANG! ( )
feck spelling. O Jese! (vocative)

What have we done, Felix?
You be quiet.
Ok.

Am I hungry?
I'm.
Am I drunk?
I'mn't.
Uber-contraction.

Fastest way to half a baby.
I mean halve you sick bastard.
10% of all people halve there oregons switched round.
hart on rite.
appendicks on left.
One in every TEN!
Ok. I think its time to go. Menthols. Bye bye now.

Not to be racist. I'm just addicted.

What are you talking about?

Yo. So, yesterday night I went to go show Staci Ebo's Grave, and - no shit - we ran into those same kids from West that we saw there last year. I don't fucking believe it. What are the odds?! They were bringing in a bunch of their friends from West to see it, and then they were going to jump out at them and scare them away, much like the goths did that one fateful Friday the 13th. So I told them they should jump out and pretend to start beating the shit out of me. Holy fuck, that would have been so fucking scary. Could you imagine? 'Cos if you're up there and its scary enough all ready, and then these people in masks jump out and start wailing on some dude you've never met who was just there to scare himself? I don't know man, but I would have been terrified. Anyways, they didn't follow the plan, and jumped out way too early. I should have expected - they're not too bright. Nothing personal, I think they're cool and all... but recall last time we were there and one of the goths was wearing a shirt for the band Deicide. And one of the West kids started screaming: "DECIDE WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DECIDE?!" Heh heh heh. Please, legislators, give that funding back to our schools. Speaking of schools... actually, I won't speak of schools. Fuck that. Ugh, I have to go to Costco today. Conformity at its finest. Seriously, Costco is what the whole hip world would be doing on a saturday night if Hitler had won the war. This is the sixth reich. What we have here is a failure to communicate. ("Communication is not just words, it is... architecture.") Lump nearly every known commodity into a warehouse, cut prices drastically by selling it only in bulk, and prepare to screw over any remaining scraps of the independent business. And the great thing is that you don't have to interact with any other human being except to breath the same air and eventually hand one your credit card. I seen it! People milling about, doing their best not to act as though there's anyone else on the planet that matters. Why do I have to go to Costco? Because, according to Sloth, you can buy 40 Corona Lights for around $20. YEAH!!! Which reminds me, there is a Miller commercial out now that makes fun of Coronas, in a roundabout kindof way. Have you seen this? "Citrus fruit is a cure for scurvy, which must be the only reason a MAN would put a lime in his beer." Holy flipping crud. Oh my heck. MAN? What is a MAN? From the very fine beer commercial examples we have, a MAN is in his mid thirties, wears flannel, is mildly unattractive, somewhat portly, balding, and by all accounts, an otherwise complete waste of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. He drinks beer, watches sports, and inexplicably has a gorgeous and horny girlfriend, who vies for his attention, which is always devoted to beer and sports. What is this shit?

Oh, and don't forget our lawn and garden sale, because April is outdoors month. All items 15% off! You see, it's the Playoffs, baby, and I've been catching NBA action from around the league. And that means a lot of television watching. And that means a lot of commercials. As soon as my toe heals and I will be more willing to actually leave my house instead of sit here and party, then I will have more interesting things on my mind. Hmmm... "toe heals" that's like "heel-toe" which is kinda slang for run, I think. As soon as my toe heals I will heel-toe it to the nearest liquor store. So I can buy red wine, which is the topic I've been trying to get to for the past couple sentences. Yes, my wine-drinking experience took a new turn today tried RED wine. RED, you see? Do you understand the metaphysical complicity here? There is no such thing as coincidence. "...like the crystal lattice of a diamond..."

Many grains have slipped through the neck of the hourglass. My favorite color is red now. I decided that the other day when I started thinking about labels and packaging, and how stuff looks cooler when it's red. Then that got me thinking that everything looks cooler when it's red. Besides, red was Tony's favorite color too. That's why both his drumsets and his Durango were red. And while I was thinking about this, for some reason, I was reminded of his alternate lyrics to Riders On The Storm: "Riders on the gun (guitar riff: da d'da da da) Riders on the gun (da d'da da da) fire hollowtips, (keyboard riff: la la la la la la) use extended clips..." Anyways, I was thinking about this as I was driving to the liquor store to stock up for a party with Felix and Haley and Anne, and then when I got there, I was looking at the vodkas, and I noticed this new kind with a big red 3 on it. And just then "Riders On The Storm" began playing on the radio in the store. Trippy, huh? So, now red is my favorite color.