"Good evening America, and congratulations on the eve of your 240th birthday. I understand President Warren has settled comfortably into her new role as 'Leader of the Free World' and is already nominated for her first Nobel Peace Prize for her integral role in the 'Feminist Revolution' in American politics. Michelle and the kids and I have also settled in comfortably; to our new home and secure compound in a secret location in or around Geneva, Switzerland. Bo has already found his favorite places to frolic and run along the tightly patrolled perimeter.
"America, it is time for me to be completely open and honest with you. Only after extensive research, and already well into my first presidential campaign, in 2008, were Michelle and I informed that I was not, in fact, born in the United States of America."
[pause.]
"It was honestly a surprise to me, too. I had always believed that I was indeed born in Honolulu on August 4th, 1961. I had a Certificate of Live Birth stating as much, which I employed when enrolling for college, applying for my first loan, and submitting my candidacy for my first elected position. Never had I any reason to suspect that it may have been improperly filed. But as the issue arose during my 2008 campaign, the research unit of my staff took it upon themselves to discover if any of these rumors had any credibility. It turns out, they did.
"I was born in Mombassa, Kenya."
"Taking stock of this newly discovered evidence, Michelle, my most trusted advisors, and I debated whether or not to suspend my campaign. I mean, I was American through and through, right down to this one tiny, nearly insignificant technicality. A technicality spelled out in the Constitution specifically prohibiting me from ever being eligible to achieve the highest office of the country I loved and served. Eventually, we figured, did it really matter where I was physically born, when spiritually, I was a native son?
"And America, did it matter?
"Did it matter where I was born when I swore to protect this great nation? Did it matter when I pursued and brought justice to our most dangerous enemies? Did it matter when I guided the economy patiently through unemployment and recession to jobs and prosperity? Did it matter when I returned our brave men and women home from the frontlines and combat zones in Iraq and Afghanistan? Does is still matter, now that I have retired and retreated from your shores?
"The answer is no.
"Anything and everything I accomplished as President would have been identical had my mother returned to Hawai'i before my birth, rather than immediately after. Every decision I chose, and every mistake I made, would have been exactly the same, and led to exactly the same outcome we see today.
"But alas, the law is the law, and I should not have been eligible for election. I defied the Constitution at the very same instant I swore an oath to uphold it. Now, having been granted immunity by the Swiss government, I can never again see my beloved home country again.
"So I bid you farewell. So long, and sorry for all the prosperity, peace, security, health, and clean air I have burdened you with.
"Oh, and while we're being candid, check this out. I was originally raised in the Islam faith! Allahu Akbar!"
"Kiss my ass, y'all. And goodnight."
It was later determined that the entire speech was false. Obama would go on to comment that he'd delivered it solely "to fuck with people."
