So, today was my first encounter with an ADD drug. I know it's the popular thing to have ADD, and I hate doing anything popular. But then, you look at my academic career, and it makes sense. I have a passion for learning, yet I was hardly able to graduate high school, and seven tries at college hardly resulted in any completed courses. I'm a failure at the one thing I've always wanted to excel at.
I don't even know what led me to discuss it with my doctor, but when I did, I unexpectedly broke out in tears. It was embarrassing, but I wept uncontrollably as I told her how disappointed I am with myself and how I feel like I had such potential, but was unable to realize it.
So that led me here. I tried my first pill this morning. This was supposed to be slow acting stuff; a couple days to build up before you felt anything. Try a couple hours.
I can't help but think of Fear and Loathing where Hunter describes mescaline taking effect - the first hour was all waiting... then ZANG!
Suddenly I was talking a mile a minute, re-organizing a cluttered mess of used glasses frames, and going above and beyond to help each patient who came in the door. There was nothing I couldn't do, and couldn't do quickly. I felt so energetic, I could take on the world. I was eager to help some of our most troublesome patients. I answered the phones on the first ring and jumped to attention when the front door opened. And when there were no patients I paced back and forth, looking for something else to do.
The whole day went by in a flash. I skipped breakfast. I skipped coffee. I wasn't even hungry for lunch, but I tried to make myself eat. Nope, not hungry. I had about five bites of chicken, then right back to work. My mouth was dry and my head was spinning but it felt so good to have such a rush of energy. Time just raced by, and before I knew it, 5:00 rolled around. But I stayed behind to finish some paperwork, and a patient came in about 5:30 and I happily stayed late to fit her glasses.
I should have been on the ground, writing in starving agony. My stomach has not tolerated hunger well lately. But I was great! I got home, got dressed for the softball game, and left again. No time for the dinner Emily cooked. I wasn't hungry anyways.
At the game, I started getting the numbness in my hands that I've gotten at the last couple big important games. Last week I couldn't complete the game, my hands had gotten so bad. But tonight I just decided to tough through it, and sure enough the feeling faded away.
I stayed late to talk to my dad and uncle and cousin, then ran an errand to Target to get some printer ink. I got back home about 9:20, still nothing in my stomach. Still not hungry.
I made myself eat as much of a baked potato as I could, but it was a struggle. My body didn't want it. I tried some yogurt later, but it was a force-feed. It's now 11:13 and I've been typing madly in the dark.
I'll give this one more try, maybe two. But it's kinda scary it has taken such a hold of me. The positive effects are certainly nice, but maybe this it too much.
