Fight the Liar Within!

Man, I had the strangest dream last night. I was in a helicopter, looking down at Ben Folds Five perform their lounge version of "She Don't Use Jelly" by the Flaming Lips, then suddenly, I was the bass player. We had a big finish, and as a joke, Darren Jesse came out and kicked me in the head. Then that show ended and the next came on: People's Court, only I was there in the courtroom. Judge Milian had her fingernails painted black, and she went of on some huge pro-Jesus rant and was taking questions from the audience. It turned out to be some big ploy to publicly shame me, masterminded by none other than Sloth. And so all these guys went up to the lectern to bear false witness against me. But then I was allowed a rebuttal, and I asked them all why they were lying, but they just got up and left. So, dejected, I went out into the vestibule, and got a big old bottle of Scotch that was there (for celebratory purposes, I presumed). Only the liquid was purple, and had green olives floating in it, and it tasted like white wine. Anyways, I walked back to Bogustlevania, getting wasted out of my mind. I passed some huge party at my old fraternity, and all the guys there wanted me to repair these bleachers they'd drug into the back yard. But I just started jumping away, and jumped all the way to the cemetary, then down T street to my house. So I went in my room, only now I was in a Nazi training camp. So I tunneled out and got to Hawaii. That wasn't where I wanted to be, so I tunneled again and got to Fiji. And then that plane from "Tail Spin" flew by and dropped a ladder so I grabbed it and we flew into this cave, and there was a big blue dragon lying there with playing cards laid out in front of it. I had to decipher what kind of patterns the dragon had made with the cards, and when I finally did, she stood up to eat me, but I ran beneath her legs and made it out of the cave into "Hang 'Em High" from Halo, and the Dragon had sent Sentinels after me. There were a bunch of Ghosts outside on the snow (Ghosts in the Halo sense; flying vehicles). So I flew one around, trying not be noticed by the people milling about. Then suddenly I discovered that I could capture a plane that was about to take off. But I was only able to grab a wing as it took to the sky, and eventually my grip gave, and I fell and fell and fell, until I realized that I was sitting in the gutter in front of my house, my head in my hands, crying, and a bottle of purple scotch shattered on the ground before me, olives rolling away.